I self destruct, a lot. I am like the bounty hunter droid in the first episode of Mandalorian. I go into perfect situations, I got all the power and am taking out the bad guys. Suddenly, once I take a minor hit or two, I reach for the self destruct button. I am just happy today that I am beginning to realize this just now - at the age of 45. Better late than never!
The magic lies in realizing in the moment that I am self destructing. That realization has two effects. One, a choice materializes. A choice to not self destruct or continue self destruction. Two, after the moment passes, there is time to look back. I am looking back right now as I write this.
What is self destruction you ask? I don't know what everyone else thinks of it. For me, it shows up in small, subtle forms many times through the day. For example, when I am eating a perfect meal with some great conversation, I might hear just one sentence or two that affects me negatively in some way, then, I self destruct. I start adding on spices, or butter and that one extra serving of whatever it is and it just spirals down from there. Sometimes I realize what I am doing and I am able to summon my good senses and stop. Other times, I realize it and I keep going. Later, when I look back, I realize how the moment unfolded. I devise a strategy to avoid self destruction the next time.
Awareness is what I need. I need self awareness, an awareness of the 5 senses, an awareness of the mental state, my own heart beat, my own breathing and an awareness of the physical state. I think some of these feelings work in unison, in sort of a crescendo, to affect me positively at times and negatively at times. When I am practicing Golf at golftec, on some days, the senses get together to help me drive my best shots, consistent, long, straight shots at the right distance. When, I am unawares, one after another all senses collaborate to sabotage my game. It is almost as though my senses conspire to hide themselves from me until I am so overwhelmed that I participate in those shenanigans to the point of self destructions.
In future, I hope to become more aware of myself and avoid self destruction.
